Expectations

Some random thoughts about bookselling, because it's my birthday this week

The year I turned five, my mother hired a clown for my birthday party.

She thought this was a great idea. I don’t know if I had asked her for a clown, but there was a clown.

The minute I laid eyes on the clown, I hated her.

Why?

Her wig was brown. Brown like my hair, and like her hair, too.

This poor clown had just endured hours of verbal abuse from a five-year-old and was still smiling!

Clowns had colored wigs. Not brown wigs. This was no clown, because her wig was not red or green or yellow or pink.

I threw a fit. I cried. I told my mom to make her go away. I think I even told that clown to her face that I hated her. She had failed my little five-year-old expectations and had thus ruined my birthday.

All these years later, part of me still thinks it was a stupid choice on her part to not wear a colorful wig! Certainly I provided her a ton of useful feedback that day. Maybe she got a bright blue wig after her encounter with the tall, noodle-armed screaming girl?

At what point in my psychological development did I begin to accept not having my expectations met, and what were the terms of not having those expectations met wherein I was delighted by what I was given instead?

I think about this when the new books come in the store and how part of the terms of buying a book are the reader getting their expectations met. I also think about this in terms of Epic and Lovely and wonder if its lack of reception had less to do with people not caring about small presses and more to do with the what can we expect from of this book not being very obvious. I love my book, and a lot of other people do, but I don’t think the expectations are laid out so well, and that’s on me. Last week, I read a thriller called Murder Your Darlings by Jenna Blum, which is Normie Thriller Epic and Lovely in a lot of ways. The narcissistic relationship pattern is the same. It also had the message that society believes it’s okay to fuck over women who aren’t pretty. Blum’s book has murders, shallowly-written characters because it’s a thriller and she doesn’t need to psychologically profile her MCs like I felt the need to do, and a certain level of predictability that I’m sure sells books.

What do I, as an author, owe my readers by way of predictability? Because as a bookseller, I am a Predictability Conduit. I tell you what the book’s about and if it will meet your expectations. Bestsellers are bestsellers because they meet expectations across a wide swath of humans. Even aging indie kids like me have expectations.

I say all this, but it’s been a long time since I read a piece of fiction that truly surprised me! I continue to look to small and university presses for the surprising stuff. If you have any fiction that is surprising and delighting to you, let me know in the comments.

Currently reading: Work to Do by Jules Wernersbach, coming from University of Iowa Press in April. Jules was my first bookstore boss at BookPeople long ago. If you’ve spent time in Austin, or among those of us who has mad nostalgia for the way things used to be there, this book is for you.